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Girl Sells Sea Shells by the Sea Shore

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Poverty-stricken Mexico is in distress. Dire economic conditions and worsening cartel violence has shaken the country to its core. But flowers can grow amidst weeds, and such a flower is blooming in the small coastal town of La Paz, where 10-year old Matilda Jimenez is making waves.

Young Matilda has launched a series of successful sea shell shops in and around La Paz catering to the tourist community there. Matilda walks the beaches collecting shells. She then cleans them up and decorates them for sale in her small seaside shops along the coast.

“She sells sea shells by the seashore,” said her mother. “The shells that she sells are sea shells.”

Tourists flock to the shops to purchase the decorative shells and meet the young entrepreneurial phenomenon whose reputation now extends outside of Mexico.”I feel so privileged to have met her and purchased the shells that she sells,” exclaimed a British tourist. “They’re sea shells.”

Matilda’s reputation does not solely revolve around her lucrative shell businesses, but also for her research.

“She’s an incredibly intelligent young girl,” noted her schoolteacher, Sr. Gomez. “She’s particularly fond of the natural sciences.”

Matilda won a national science fair last year for her study of woodchucks. Her report focused on how much wood a woodchuck could chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

“Her findings were conclusive,” stated Gomez. “He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much as a woodchuck would if a woodchuck could chuck wood.”

The woodchuck study earned Matilda a grant from the Mexican Department of Grants, which she plans to use to further her research in the field.

Young Matilda also has shown an interest in the legal system (or lack thereof in Mexico), as a result of witnessing daily injustices on the streets of La Paz; notably, the infamous case of American tourist Peter Piper, who was sentenced to 20 years in prison for the alleged theft of pickled peppers from a La Paz-based pepper farm.

The prosecution asserted that after trespassing onto the farm, Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers: “A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked,” stated prosecutor Esteban Chavez. The defense argued that if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked? This defense was, unfortunately, to no avail, as Mr. Piper was given the maximum allowable sentence for such a crime.

Matilda visits with Mr. Piper frequently, bringing him decorative sea shells for his cell, and sharing with him her continued woodchuck research.

“She’s a truly remarkable young woman with an incredibly bright future ahead of her,” notes Piper. “Whether she ends up cleaning houses, hotels, selling chewing gum or giving birth to a child every 9 months, I have no doubt that she’s going to do it with vim and vigor.”

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Scandal Threatens Holiest of Holies

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“Find God’s match for you.” That’s the prophetic slogan for Christian Mingle, an online dating site dedicated to helping bring Christian singles together. Since launching some 10 years ago, the site has been welcomed with great appreciation throughout the Christian community, with a percentage of proceeds routinely being donated to the Church. However, a recent scandal now threatens to derail the future of the lucrative site and incur the wrath of the Almighty.

It began quite innocently in Austin, Texas with 36-year old Curtis Bent, a devout Baptist, avid churchgoer and respected member of the community. Curtis signed up for Christian Mingle at the recommendation of his older sister. Having been single his entire life, the high school drama teacher and part-time choirmaster decided to put his faith in God’s plan and take a chance with online dating. What he found shocked his family, friends and the greater Christian community.

“His name is Asoras Katsopolis and he’s my beautiful Greek muse,” enthused Curtis rather effeminately about his partner, with whom he has entered into an openly homosexual relationship. “I’d had several awful dates and was on the verge of cancelling my subscription to Christian Mingle. But then one fateful afternoon, I stumbled upon Asoras in one of the chat rooms, and fell in love immediately.”

“It was like something out of a movie,” noted the considerably more masculine and presumed Top, Asoras. “We clicked instantly.”

“Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart,” quoted Curtis from Psalms 37:4. “I’ve opened up my heart to God through Christian Mingle, and he’s rewarded me with Asoras.”

Not everyone has taken to the matchup as enthusiastically as Curtis and Asoras. Hoping to separate itself from the controversy, Christian Mingle acted quickly to remove the pair from the site, along with any other members they felt “capable of moral corruption.” Their memberships were revoked, and their profiles cast into the fiery depths of hell (deleted). However, the Curtis-Asoras love connection soon went viral, landing on a slew of popular websites such as Huffington Post, TMZ and Perezhilton.

“OMG, this story is freaking adorbs,” noted Perez, the world-famous homosexual blogger whose flamboyance is matched only by his utter uselessness. “Those two look fierce!”

Christian groups are calling for Christian Mingle to be shut down, claiming that it has been “usurped by Satan!” Representatives for the Christian dating site have pointed to the tens of thousands of natural relationships that have flourished as a result of the service, but the stance has done little to quell the outrage.

“Their stance has done little to quell the outrage,” confirmed Baptist Minister Joseph Timms. “To suggest that God in some way ordained this abominable relationship is the unholiest of insults. God wants his sons to put their P’s in his daughters’ V’s; not their brothers A’s.”

Curtis and Asoras have been ostracized within the community and barred from their respective churches. Curtis’ family refuses to see him or take his calls, while Asoras’ family has since fled back home to Greece. For their part, the young couple has tried to rise above the outrage, instead choosing to focus on their budding relationship.

“In my heart, I know that God loves me, and that’s all that matters. I don’t know where the LORD will take me from here, but I do know that it’ll probably be a little bit painful sitting down when I get there,” said Curtis with a knowing wink.

Christian Mingle continues to operate, though membership has fallen dramatically as the backlash continues. The dating site has since amended its slogan to include a disclaimer: *Homosexual matches do not count.

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Romney to Heart: “You’re a Liar!”

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Mitt Romney sat down with Fox News Sunday host Chris Wallace to wax philosophical in his first TV interview since being bent over the resolute desk by President Barack Obama in November. Flanked by Stepford wife Ann, Romney touched on an array of topics including his now-infamous “47%” comments, the recent issue of sequestration, and his political future. Unsurprisingly, the bulk of the conversation revolved around Romney’s election night reaction.

“Take me back to Election Day, November 6th,” said Wallace. “Is it true that you thought, going in, you were going to win?”

Clearly still affected by the defeat, a befuddled Romney reached awkwardly for a Rubio-esque glug of water before answering, “Yes, I think we were convinced that we’d win.”

Wallace pressed the issue further, pointing to exit polling taken in the lead up to November 6th, and widespread belief in political ranks that all signs pointed towards a comfortable Obama victory.

“In my head I knew that there was a strong possibility that I would lose the election,” admitted Romney. “But my heart said we were going to win. I still can’t believe that it lied to me.”

“You’re saying that your heart lied to you?” asked Wallace, unsure exactly of what it was he was hearing.

“That’s correct Chris,” replied Romney. “This sort of betrayal is a real game changer for me personally. My heart told me that I was going to be President, and then I lost. I’ve been trusting it my whole life, and then something like this happens. Where does it end Chris? It tells me that I love all my grandchildren, but for all I know it’s lying about that too.”

After a brief break, during which time show producers spoke with Romney to assess his mental acuity and emotional stability, Wallace turned his attention to Ann, inquiring as to whether she too was hoodwinked by Mitt’s heart. “Of course I believed it,” lamented Ann. “As Mitt’s primary wife… I mean only wife… I trust in his heart as I do mine. And my heart told me to trust Mitt’s heart. I never thought our hearts would lie to us like that.”

Another break followed Ann’s response, during which time Wallace and his producers debated whether or not to continue the interview. They decided to shift the discussion towards Romney’s political future.

“Will you ever run for political office again Mr. Romney?” queried Wallace.

“My heart is telling me that I have more to give to the American people,” replied a thoughtful, yet vacant Romney. “But it’s a dirty little liar. And that’s just my heart. I’m not really sure I can trust any of my organs to be honest. Just last night, my bladder told me that I had to urinate, but when I got to the toilet, nothing came out. I stood there for like 20 minutes holding my penis and crying. It’s as if my body is turning against me… just like the liberal media.”

It was at that point that Wallace ended the interview, thanking the Romney’s for their time and pleading with them both to get help.

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North Korean Missile Explodes onto World Stage

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In the wake of a successful long-range missile test last month, North Korea has stepped up its anti-American rhetoric, threatening more missile tests – some nuclear – in the coming months. North Korea has endured an embarrassing history of failure when it comes to missile launches, so last month’s successful test did more than catch the world by surprise… it put it on alert.

Speculation abounds as to how North Korea made the technological jump from abject failure to unadulterated success. The CIA believes that the Koreans used Soviet-era technologies purchased on the Black Market to piece together a rudimentary, albeit functional, long-range rocket system. Britain’s MI-6 has another theory, one which involves the Chinese government supplying the North Koreans with one of their long-range DF-31 missiles in order to destabilize the US Government and manipulate disarmament talks.

Randy Flenderson, manager of a Cleveland-based Toys R Us has yet another theory. “Well, I’ve seen the photo on CNN of Kim Jong-Un launching the rocket, and it’s pretty clear that it’s a Nerf,” postulated Flenderson. “We’ve actually got quite a lot of them in stock right now. It’s not a particularly strong seller.”

Whether it’s Black Market technology, misrepresented Chinese technology, or a $20 toy, the American response remains the same. “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men,” said President Barrack Obama. “Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper, and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am Obama, when I lay my vengeance upon you.”

In addition to advances in rocket technology, the North Koreans also have been active in other areas of weapons development. One such development that they are particularly excited about is a weapon that allows North Korean soldiers to cross the DMZ without setting off any of the thousands of mines protecting that area. Information about the weapon – codenamed Crocodile Mile – has been difficult to come by. Questioned about the project, North Korean officials were unsurprisingly vague. “You run… you slide… you hit the bump, and take a dive,” explained General Hyong Choy Yon, chief architect of the project.

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Lance Armstrong Denies Allegations That Pants are On Fire

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The heat continues to surround Lance Armstrong in more ways than one these days as he’s been spotted walking around Austin, Texas with his pants on fire. After filming his much-talked-about interview with Oprah Winfrey – in which it has been confirmed he finally comes clean about alleged doping throughout his cycling career – Lance returned home to Austin, where his pants spontaneously burst into flame.

A number of people, alarmed at the site of a man on fire, attempted to get help. “Holy shit, his pants are on fire!” screamed one such passerby. “Call the fire department! 9-1-1! 9-1-1!” bellowed another. Lance, for his part, remained steadfast, denying that his pants were engulfed in flames and ignoring the pleas for him to stop, drop and roll.

“I ran outside with a bucket of water from the bar, but I got tackled by one of his security guards,” claimed Randall Clarke, local barman and volunteer fireman. “You could actually smell his flesh burning, but he just kept on going as if nothing was wrong. It’s the god damndest thing I’ve ever seen. …And I’ve seen a Justin Bieber concert.”

Lance addressed the allegations that his pants were on fire through his Twitter. “Contrary to what you may have heard my pants are not on fire. People love to h8. #FlameRetardantClothing”

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Ho-Ho-Homeless!

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A year of global economic woe was further compounded this week with news out of the North Pole that Santa Claus is homeless. The legendary figure, known also as Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas and simply “Santa,” was evicted from his home in the North Pole after defaulting on his mortgage loan.

2012 has been a year wrought with dire economic hardships. From the financial collapse in Greece to the pending “fiscal cliff” in the United States, the trials and tribulations continue to mount. On the heels of one of the strongest Black Friday’s to date, it was hoped that economic recovery was on the horizon. This hope was shattered with news that Bank of America had foreclosed on the North Pole and evicted Santa, leaving him homeless.

“Maybe if he hadn’t been so preoccupied rechecking that damn naughty or nice list, he might have had a couple minutes to look at the pile of bills I kept leaving for him on his desk,” stated Mrs. Claus from her sister’s house in Schenectady, New York.

Trouble for Mr. Claus began in March with the publication of a TMZ story in which he was accused of inappropriate conduct with several underage elves in his workshop. The elves claimed that Santa had lured them into his sleigh, where he proceeded to dip his candy cane in their hot chocolate and fondle their jingle bells.

Although the case against Mr. Claus was eventually dismissed, the damage had been done. Thousands of elves quit in protest, grinding toy production to a halt and forcing Mr. Claus to outsource production to Foxconn in China. A string of suicides at the New Tapei facility followed, leading to a series of crippling lawsuits that left Santa with no other option but to declare Chapter 11.

“It was a terrible, terrible time for us all,” lamented Bernard, Santa’s fictional head elf from the Tim Allen Santa Clause movies. “Santa was drinking morning, noon and night. When he wasn’t smacking Mrs. Claus around, he was screaming at the reindeer. We all knew the whole thing was crashing down around us.”

Although Christmas had not yet been canceled officially, those closest to Santa knew that it was an impossibility given the impending foreclosure. “We ran out of tinsel for fucks sake,” exclaimed an elf that requested not to be identified. “I mean, how the hell can the North Pole run out of tinsel? What the shit man? What the shit?”

The fall of Claus culminated in a highly publicized Thanksgiving meltdown during which Santa decapitated Rudolph and gave Mrs. Claus a very shiny nose. Although she refused to press charges, Mrs. Claus left the next day. Santa’s misery was compounded on December 1st when he was evicted from the premises after failing to meet a court-ordered deadline with Bank of America.

“Do I feel good about foreclosing on The North Pole?” asked Bank of America CEO Harvey Goldbergweinstein. “Of course not. But the unfortunate reality is, Christmas is dead. Long live Hanukah!”

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Woman Suggests Wendy’s For Lunch… Again

Ginger-haired Wendy’s enthusiast Peggy Wells was at it again today, suggesting to her coworkers that they throw out their boring old sandwiches and instead go with her to Wendy’s. Peggy has garnered a reputation amongst her friends and coworkers as a “crazy Wendy’s pushing whore” unable to consider food options outside her beloved Wendy’s.

“I brought some leftover pasta in with me that I was looking forward to having for lunch today,” said coworker James Dibley. “Then Peggy came around as usual with her talk of baked potatoes, never-frozen square hamburgers and frosties, and the next thing I knew I was driving us all to Wendy’s.”

Peggy has been known to eat at Wendy’s as many as 4 times a day. Still, her total cholesterol is an impressive 160, her blood pressure is perfection, and her figure unchanged.

“That bitch just won’t gain weight,” complained morbidly obese best friend Cathy Sanders. “Every time she drags me there she’s eating burgers and chili and frosties. …I’m eating salads and I’m the size of a goddamn house.”

Although Wendy’s has yet to impact Peggy’s health, it has caused her some legal issues. In 2010, Peggy was arrested in San Bernadino, California after breaking into an area Wendy’s and cleaning the kitchen. Officers arrived to the scene to find her eating chili and masturbating in the dining area. Charges were later dropped by Wendy’s Corporate Headquarters after determining that Peggy was single-handedly bringing them $25,000 worth of business every month. Said CFO Charles Smith, “For that kind of money, she can flick her bean all she wants.”

Theories abound as to the basis for Peggy’s infatuation. Some have speculated that she’s a bastard child of Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas, a notorious cocksman known for raw dogging it with Wendy’s employees around the country. Others believe that she was abandoned by her parents at a Wendy’s for having ginger hair, and that she therefore views Wendy’s as a parent of sorts. Peggy herself laughs off the speculation. “I just enjoy the food. The baked potatoes with chili… the never-frozen square hamburgers… and the cool, refreshing, delicious frosties,” she said, as we drove to Wendy’s.

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Local Sign Spinner Spins Sign

Are you interested in moving, but unsure where to find new housing developments? Perhaps you’re sick and tired of all that gold laying around your house and you’re looking for someone to buy it from you. Maybe you’re in the mood for a pizza that’s hot, ready and under $5. Whatever it is, there’s a sign spinner out there spinning a sign for you.

Sign spinning is an under-appreciated skill that has taken street corners and motorists by storm. Armed merely with a lightweight arrow-shaped board, an iPod, and an apparent inability to feel embarrassment, sign spinners are spinning their way into the hearts of many.

Thaddeus Granger is one such spinner currently working the intersection of El Camino Real and La Costa Avenue. “Right now I’m spinnin’ for WhiteFlint Station, this new condominium complex located a couple blocks that way,” stated Granger, as he spun his board between his legs, up over his back, and pointed it vaguely up the street. “They got some nice ass condos, but to be honest, I don’t really care about the product; all I care about is the art of spinnin.”

Thaddeus recently dropped out of Coleman College where he was pursuing a degree in fumigation in order to commit to spinning full time. He hopes to save enough money to enter into the 2013 AArrow World Sign Spinning Championships in Las Vegas, Nevada, where he can pit his skills against the very best in the world, most notably 2012 champion, Hanzo Nakamaturisan of Tokyo, Japan.

What does the future hold for Thaddeus? Will sign spinning continue to spin its way into the mainstream? Where exactly is the goddamn WhiteFlint Station condo complex? Only time – and perhaps Google Maps – will tell.

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Romney Turns Frown Upside Down

Two days after a crushing defeat to Barack Obama in the Presidential Election, Mitt Romney appeared in public for the first time since his well-received concession speech Tuesday night. On the heels of one of the most vitriolic, bullshit-laden presidential campaigns in history, Mr. Romney and his wife again found themselves with an empty calendar.

Looking to get back into the swing of “normal life,” Mitt and wife Ann hit the town for a bit breakfast followed by some light shopping. A romantic breakfast of condor eggs benedict was followed by trips to Prada, Versace, Chanel, Salvatore Ferragamo, Tiffany & Co and a Bugatti dealership. The Romneys then hopped into their helicopter for a quick trip back to their luxury yacht in the harbor to drop off their bags and have a light lunch of white rhino carpaccio, before heading back into town for some more shopping.

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still a little disappointed by the results,” said Mr. Romney while drawing $5,000 from an ATM. “I went into the election hoping to win, so losing was not ideal,” he continued while spending said $5,000.

Speculation has begun about whether Mitt Romney’s career in politics may be over, and if so, what his plans for the future may include. Some have suggested that he may return to Bain Capital in some capacity, while others have suggested he may not rule out running for President again in 2016 against who most expect to be Hillary Clinton. There are even whispers by some Romney insiders who claim that he will buy a remote island in the Pacific where he plans to become an insane vivisectionist a la Dr. Moreau.

“Right now, I just want to relax and put the election to the back of my mind,” said Mr. Romney while trying on a really sweet pair of Persols. “I plan on spending the next several weeks with my family in our various houses, just enjoying each others company and my money.”

Back into the world of business? Returning to the world politics he so nearly ascended the top of? Retreating to a private island to conduct all manner of morally questionable experiments? Only time will tell the course that Mitt Romney takes next.

Ann Romney did, however, share her thoughts on what was next for the Romneys. “Well, I’d like to stop at Gucci to get some earings, and then maybe swing by Louis Vuitton after that.”

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God’s Halloween Bash a Hit

Move over December 25th, theologians have a new date to get excited about… October 31st. God’s First Annual Heavenly Halloween Bash was a hit of supernatural proportions.

For one night only, St. Peter threw open the gates of Heaven and it was the hottest ticket in town. God spared no expense for the lavish festivities, determined to make it the most memorable experience in eternity. “I created the Heaven and the Earth in like 6 days,” said God. “I’m pretty sure I can handle some bullshit Halloween party.”

And handle it he did. With everything from a haunted cloud and bobbing for fruit from the tree of knowledge, to a “build your own woman” rib station and a Hell-themed photo booth, the party was getting rave reviews from all the guests from start to finish.

The guest list was a veritable who’s who… Michael, Gabriel, Uriel, Raphael, Ghandi, Liz Taylor, Albert Einstein, Mother Teresa, Steve Jobs, and even Jacob Davies, a 6-year old that had been hit by a car while riding his bike that morning.

A surprise invite on the list was Satan himself, who seemed somewhat taken aback by the gesture. “Shocked I would say is the only way to describe it. For Milena God and I have been duking it out over the soul of man. But something like this really makes you take a step back and think, ‘what are we doing?'”

The night that many didn’t wish to see end came to its conclusion with the costume contest. As he’s want to do, God lay judgment, and perhaps unsurprisingly, gave first place (and a $20 iTunes Card) to his son, Jesus Christ, who dressed as Psy of Gangnam Style fame.

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