“Find God’s match for you.” That’s the prophetic slogan for Christian Mingle, an online dating site dedicated to helping bring Christian singles together. Since launching some 10 years ago, the site has been welcomed with great appreciation throughout the Christian community, with a percentage of proceeds routinely being donated to the Church. However, a recent scandal now threatens to derail the future of the lucrative site and incur the wrath of the Almighty.
It began quite innocently in Austin, Texas with 36-year old Curtis Bent, a devout Baptist, avid churchgoer and respected member of the community. Curtis signed up for Christian Mingle at the recommendation of his older sister. Having been single his entire life, the high school drama teacher and part-time choirmaster decided to put his faith in God’s plan and take a chance with online dating. What he found shocked his family, friends and the greater Christian community.
“His name is Asoras Katsopolis and he’s my beautiful Greek muse,” enthused Curtis rather effeminately about his partner, with whom he has entered into an openly homosexual relationship. “I’d had several awful dates and was on the verge of cancelling my subscription to Christian Mingle. But then one fateful afternoon, I stumbled upon Asoras in one of the chat rooms, and fell in love immediately.”
“It was like something out of a movie,” noted the considerably more masculine and presumed Top, Asoras. “We clicked instantly.”
“Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart,” quoted Curtis from Psalms 37:4. “I’ve opened up my heart to God through Christian Mingle, and he’s rewarded me with Asoras.”
Not everyone has taken to the matchup as enthusiastically as Curtis and Asoras. Hoping to separate itself from the controversy, Christian Mingle acted quickly to remove the pair from the site, along with any other members they felt “capable of moral corruption.” Their memberships were revoked, and their profiles cast into the fiery depths of hell (deleted). However, the Curtis-Asoras love connection soon went viral, landing on a slew of popular websites such as Huffington Post, TMZ and Perezhilton.
“OMG, this story is freaking adorbs,” noted Perez, the world-famous homosexual blogger whose flamboyance is matched only by his utter uselessness. “Those two look fierce!”
Christian groups are calling for Christian Mingle to be shut down, claiming that it has been “usurped by Satan!” Representatives for the Christian dating site have pointed to the tens of thousands of natural relationships that have flourished as a result of the service, but the stance has done little to quell the outrage.
“Their stance has done little to quell the outrage,” confirmed Baptist Minister Joseph Timms. “To suggest that God in some way ordained this abominable relationship is the unholiest of insults. God wants his sons to put their P’s in his daughters’ V’s; not their brothers A’s.”
Curtis and Asoras have been ostracized within the community and barred from their respective churches. Curtis’ family refuses to see him or take his calls, while Asoras’ family has since fled back home to Greece. For their part, the young couple has tried to rise above the outrage, instead choosing to focus on their budding relationship.
“In my heart, I know that God loves me, and that’s all that matters. I don’t know where the LORD will take me from here, but I do know that it’ll probably be a little bit painful sitting down when I get there,” said Curtis with a knowing wink.
Christian Mingle continues to operate, though membership has fallen dramatically as the backlash continues. The dating site has since amended its slogan to include a disclaimer: *Homosexual matches do not count.