Romney to Heart: “You’re a Liar!”

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Mitt Romney sat down with Fox News Sunday host Chris Wallace to wax philosophical in his first TV interview since being bent over the resolute desk by President Barack Obama in November. Flanked by Stepford wife Ann, Romney touched on an array of topics including his now-infamous “47%” comments, the recent issue of sequestration, and his political future. Unsurprisingly, the bulk of the conversation revolved around Romney’s election night reaction.

“Take me back to Election Day, November 6th,” said Wallace. “Is it true that you thought, going in, you were going to win?”

Clearly still affected by the defeat, a befuddled Romney reached awkwardly for a Rubio-esque glug of water before answering, “Yes, I think we were convinced that we’d win.”

Wallace pressed the issue further, pointing to exit polling taken in the lead up to November 6th, and widespread belief in political ranks that all signs pointed towards a comfortable Obama victory.

“In my head I knew that there was a strong possibility that I would lose the election,” admitted Romney. “But my heart said we were going to win. I still can’t believe that it lied to me.”

“You’re saying that your heart lied to you?” asked Wallace, unsure exactly of what it was he was hearing.

“That’s correct Chris,” replied Romney. “This sort of betrayal is a real game changer for me personally. My heart told me that I was going to be President, and then I lost. I’ve been trusting it my whole life, and then something like this happens. Where does it end Chris? It tells me that I love all my grandchildren, but for all I know it’s lying about that too.”

After a brief break, during which time show producers spoke with Romney to assess his mental acuity and emotional stability, Wallace turned his attention to Ann, inquiring as to whether she too was hoodwinked by Mitt’s heart. “Of course I believed it,” lamented Ann. “As Mitt’s primary wife… I mean only wife… I trust in his heart as I do mine. And my heart told me to trust Mitt’s heart. I never thought our hearts would lie to us like that.”

Another break followed Ann’s response, during which time Wallace and his producers debated whether or not to continue the interview. They decided to shift the discussion towards Romney’s political future.

“Will you ever run for political office again Mr. Romney?” queried Wallace.

“My heart is telling me that I have more to give to the American people,” replied a thoughtful, yet vacant Romney. “But it’s a dirty little liar. And that’s just my heart. I’m not really sure I can trust any of my organs to be honest. Just last night, my bladder told me that I had to urinate, but when I got to the toilet, nothing came out. I stood there for like 20 minutes holding my penis and crying. It’s as if my body is turning against me… just like the liberal media.”

It was at that point that Wallace ended the interview, thanking the Romney’s for their time and pleading with them both to get help.

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