A year of global economic woe was further compounded this week with news out of the North Pole that Santa Claus is homeless. The legendary figure, known also as Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas and simply “Santa,” was evicted from his home in the North Pole after defaulting on his mortgage loan.
2012 has been a year wrought with dire economic hardships. From the financial collapse in Greece to the pending “fiscal cliff” in the United States, the trials and tribulations continue to mount. On the heels of one of the strongest Black Friday’s to date, it was hoped that economic recovery was on the horizon. This hope was shattered with news that Bank of America had foreclosed on the North Pole and evicted Santa, leaving him homeless.
“Maybe if he hadn’t been so preoccupied rechecking that damn naughty or nice list, he might have had a couple minutes to look at the pile of bills I kept leaving for him on his desk,” stated Mrs. Claus from her sister’s house in Schenectady, New York.
Trouble for Mr. Claus began in March with the publication of a TMZ story in which he was accused of inappropriate conduct with several underage elves in his workshop. The elves claimed that Santa had lured them into his sleigh, where he proceeded to dip his candy cane in their hot chocolate and fondle their jingle bells.
Although the case against Mr. Claus was eventually dismissed, the damage had been done. Thousands of elves quit in protest, grinding toy production to a halt and forcing Mr. Claus to outsource production to Foxconn in China. A string of suicides at the New Tapei facility followed, leading to a series of crippling lawsuits that left Santa with no other option but to declare Chapter 11.
“It was a terrible, terrible time for us all,” lamented Bernard, Santa’s fictional head elf from the Tim Allen Santa Clause movies. “Santa was drinking morning, noon and night. When he wasn’t smacking Mrs. Claus around, he was screaming at the reindeer. We all knew the whole thing was crashing down around us.”
Although Christmas had not yet been canceled officially, those closest to Santa knew that it was an impossibility given the impending foreclosure. “We ran out of tinsel for fucks sake,” exclaimed an elf that requested not to be identified. “I mean, how the hell can the North Pole run out of tinsel? What the shit man? What the shit?”
The fall of Claus culminated in a highly publicized Thanksgiving meltdown during which Santa decapitated Rudolph and gave Mrs. Claus a very shiny nose. Although she refused to press charges, Mrs. Claus left the next day. Santa’s misery was compounded on December 1st when he was evicted from the premises after failing to meet a court-ordered deadline with Bank of America.
“Do I feel good about foreclosing on The North Pole?” asked Bank of America CEO Harvey Goldbergweinstein. “Of course not. But the unfortunate reality is, Christmas is dead. Long live Hanukah!”