Ginger-haired Wendy’s enthusiast Peggy Wells was at it again today, suggesting to her coworkers that they throw out their boring old sandwiches and instead go with her to Wendy’s. Peggy has garnered a reputation amongst her friends and coworkers as a “crazy Wendy’s pushing whore” unable to consider food options outside her beloved Wendy’s.
“I brought some leftover pasta in with me that I was looking forward to having for lunch today,” said coworker James Dibley. “Then Peggy came around as usual with her talk of baked potatoes, never-frozen square hamburgers and frosties, and the next thing I knew I was driving us all to Wendy’s.”
Peggy has been known to eat at Wendy’s as many as 4 times a day. Still, her total cholesterol is an impressive 160, her blood pressure is perfection, and her figure unchanged.
“That bitch just won’t gain weight,” complained morbidly obese best friend Cathy Sanders. “Every time she drags me there she’s eating burgers and chili and frosties. …I’m eating salads and I’m the size of a goddamn house.”
Although Wendy’s has yet to impact Peggy’s health, it has caused her some legal issues. In 2010, Peggy was arrested in San Bernadino, California after breaking into an area Wendy’s and cleaning the kitchen. Officers arrived to the scene to find her eating chili and masturbating in the dining area. Charges were later dropped by Wendy’s Corporate Headquarters after determining that Peggy was single-handedly bringing them $25,000 worth of business every month. Said CFO Charles Smith, “For that kind of money, she can flick her bean all she wants.”
Theories abound as to the basis for Peggy’s infatuation. Some have speculated that she’s a bastard child of Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas, a notorious cocksman known for raw dogging it with Wendy’s employees around the country. Others believe that she was abandoned by her parents at a Wendy’s for having ginger hair, and that she therefore views Wendy’s as a parent of sorts. Peggy herself laughs off the speculation. “I just enjoy the food. The baked potatoes with chili… the never-frozen square hamburgers… and the cool, refreshing, delicious frosties,” she said, as we drove to Wendy’s.